It’s because I’m not him.
I think I’ve finally uncovered the reason why I don’t do intimate relationships: they leave.
I’ve learned recently that many people just pass through your life. A select few actually care about you enough to keep in contact. High school and college is a great place to learn that. It makes me feel a lot lonelier than I am because I’m not seeing the same familiar faces that I’ve come accustomed to.
I have separation anxiety and I can’t stand to leave anywhere that I’m surrounded by love.
Every time we had a get together at church, it was hard to come back home at night. I wanted to stay. I was afraid I would miss something. I’m an only child so I like hanging around close friends quite often. I cried secretly in the car ride home. I wanted to stay in that moment where everything was okay. I’m not saying that things were terrible at home, but I didn’t have someone to stay home with me in the afternoons. I has to entertain myself and that’s herder than it seems.
I guess I’m scared that if I get into a relationship with a boy, he’ll break up with me for whatever reason and I’ll be left a heartbroken mess. If I’m going to be in a relationship, I want it to work long term. And that’s a little contradictory to the whole idea of dating, which means trying to find that someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. I want the one to be my only one and I know that is an impossible idea that more than likely will never happen in any lifetime.
This separation anxiety leaves an odd shaped hole in my heart that can’t be filled again. A piece of me is missing. That piece is holding on to the memory of happiness that was inevitably fleeting. I get into this crippling state where I can’t really function anymore. I keep to myself, hoping, praying that this “attack” of emotions will be over soon. There have been times where I just sat, letting my thoughts overwhelm me. I somehow come back to reality by an unseen force willing me to buck up, that’s when I realize I’ve stared at a wall for two hours. It’s not as severe as it see to be. I’ve grown up since then. But in the back of my mind I’m still that seven year old girl at first grade lunch crying for her grandmother’s house because I spent everyday after kindergarten over there. I even cried because I missed the neighbor’s dog.
So, when most people ask why I don’t date, I could list several reasons such as not pretty, not interested, or there’s no guys I like. In all honesty, it’s because I’m afraid of the break up that I know will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Separation anxiety sucks.